I Was Pregnant Just 8 Hours Ago, and Now I'm Not...

December 14, 2014

My husband and I tried for 3 years to conceive a baby. I was told I had endometriosis and likely would need to get pregnant immediately or take hormones to stop the spread. 2 months after learning this and having surgery to remove the endometriosis (temporarily), we became pregnant. I bought every t shirt imaginable and wore it proud. We went on a family trip to Hershey Park and I started to feel really sick, more so then the previous weeks.

 

We came home and husband wanted to bring me to the ER to get checked because I was very weak and grey. The sono showed no heartbeat. From there it was about 6 hours of torturous screaming and crying in the ER while I awaited my personal OBGYN to come tell me the news. I was in complete shock. Everything hurt. My heart literally broke into 2 that July night. My husband, my parents were all shocked and saddened. But after that night in the ER and after my D and C, no one would ever speak of my baby girl again. It was as if mentioning our loss would make them feel uncomfortable, and heck, we wouldn't want that.

 

There are countless stories of how the closest people in our lives let us down and could not handle the loss of our baby. Our marriage took a hit, I was mad at everyone and everything and I wanted my husband to feel as terrible as I felt. He just hid it better than I did. 2 years later I had my thyroid removed (also after MANY unsuccessful fertility treatments). Just when I decided to succumb to getting pregnant...2 weeks after my total thyroidectomy, there I was....across the country reading a pregnancy stick with my husband back at home. Shock, disbelief, and it just felt right. We were pregnant. Our son Jake is now 2 1/2 years old and is a complete miracle.

 

The story doesn't end there... I had a miscarriage today...I was 9 weeks pregnant and this time I had the full on experience, contractions, bleeding, everything. Very different from our first pregnancy loss. I was terrified. I still am. Its been 7 hours since I passed my baby in the shower and I feel so alone and scared that I am afraid to fall asleep. Im afraid that when I wake up in the morning I will be overwhelmed with sadness that I cant control when I realize I am no longer pregnant.

 

We are so lucky to have our miracle son, he is the best gift in the whole world. But I feel empty today. I was pregnant just 8 hours ago and now I am not. How and why did this happen?

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