I never saw this baby. Not even on the US. And yet... my heart still aches.

One morning I grabbed the ovulation test to see if I was ovulating yet. It was logistically a little too early in the cycle, but my fertility kit asked for a test. When it came out blazing positive, something nagged at me. It didn't quite seem right. But of course we DTD that night because...have to catch that egg! The next morning I decided to take a pregnancy test after a 2nd ovulation test came out super positive. It came out positive! I was shocked! We weren't actively trying like the first time (8 months), but had agreed to start using the fertility monitor to see if I could tell what time of the month I was ovulating. I showed my husband and we were both surprised and excited. My OB quit taking my insurance, so I started the hunt for a new OB to start getting blood tests. One of the only two local OBs that do VBACs took me as a patient.

On the first meeting, he did a scan and told me he didn't see anything and I should take a shot (Methotrexate) because the egg had not formed. At the same time he warned me that I could be getting the shot and killing a perfectly healthy baby. My head was spinning. Here I was, so excited and happy and in the first scan I was delivered with these choices and told my baby didn't exist. I decided to wait and have more blood tests to see if the baby was growing. I couldn't decide something like that on a whim and by myself (my husband was at work). Over the next week and a half my beta numbers continued to go up. We were all very happy and hopeful that his initial assessment was incorrect. My husband went with me for my next scan. I filled out paperwork that congratulated me on being pregnant. Happy we went into the room. Then things happened so fast. The OB was hopeful but as he started the scan was having difficulty finding anything. He said my uterus was empty and that he thought he saw something in my left tube. There was slight pain when he moved the US to my left side. I got dressed and we spoke with the OB about my options. It was decided that I would go into surgery two hours later. I hadn't eaten all day, so there were no obstacles. I had no idea what was going to happen. I was told that he was going to try to take out just the egg but that I could end up losing the tube if it was in bad shape.

I was shaking the whole time and crying. It didn't really hit me how huge this was or what was happening. The lady who took my blood at the hospital was about 6 months pregnant. I started crying again. I was told they needed my blood type because I was at risk of needing emergency blood. I stayed with nurses in the pre-op room while getting everything ready. They looked sad as they had to re-state what I was there for. I cried. Constantly. But tried to smile throughout because I wanted them to like me and treat me well in surgery. I joked with the anesthesiologist about what video games I enjoyed playing and then fell asleep. Well that's the last I remember. I woke up in the post-op area feeling incredibly woozy. Turns out, the egg had ruptured my tube. I was bleeding internally and they took my egg and the left tube. I was lucky to be alive which was something I hadn't even thought of going into the surgery. I didn't say goodbye to my daughter. I hadn't called the people I love or even told any of my friends this was happening. I suffered this alone. I've read that with an ectopic there is supposed to be an immense amount of pain. I was part of a tiny percentage that experienced no pain with an ectopic. If they hadn't done surgery I would have passed out from blood lost who knows where doing who knows what. Scary because I could have been alone with my toddler or driving.

It took me a while to heal physically. I worked from home for the next week and was quite upset because I didn't get any time off from work to truly relax and deal with what had happened. I'm still upset today about that and it's been three months. It took five weeks to get my first period. Just last month we got a HSG test to check my other tube. We got the all clear to start trying again and we might. I'm still an emotional mess sometimes. I feel guilty feeling so upset when others have had miscarriages or stillborns. I never knew this baby. I never saw this baby. Not even on the US. And yet... my heart still aches. Especially when someone asks if I want another one assuming my daughter is my only child. Hopefully things will start to get better. I blogged about my story on TheGamingAngel.com because I feel like people don't talk about Ectopic Pregnancies at ALL! That no one knows what to look for or what can happen. I attended a convention shortly after "Pregnancy Awareness Month" yet not one discussion on Miscarriages or Ectopics. Not one discussion on what to look for, or how common it is or how to get help. To me that is the problem in a nutshell. When an event set to "make people aware of their prenatal options" won't even talk about these topics it shows that there is a stigma in our society that this is something to be hidden. To be dealt with privately. To never share. I refuse to let that be the case.