I thought I fell pregnant very easy with my first. We werent trying and a drunk weekend on holiday meant our daughter was conceived. Amazing, huge highs and our family began.
Trying for baby number 2 was not that easy. After many months of trying, I was told I had a problem with my thyroid. "Werent you tired!" the doctor said. "Of course! I had a baby who didnt sleep!" But after one month of being on the thyroid medication and feeling healthier - Bang! I was pregnant! And a whole new world of tiredness and illness began.
The pregnancy wasnt easy. I felt really ill and more tired than I could imagine. Difficult with a toddler and living in a new country with no help near by. In Germany they do your first ultrasound at 4 weeks, then again at 8 weeks.
At 8 weeks we were told the foetus looked smaller so perhaps we had our dates wrong. But after seeing the heartbeat on two scans, we decided to start telling people. 10 weeks and 6 days- I started bleeding and was told at the scan that the baby had died. I cant even describe my devastion. Our neighbour who was pregnant at the same time, cried with me when she saw me.
The following day at 11 weeks, we were in hospital to have the baby removed. I cried for days whilst my husband tried to look after me. No matter how many people told me that it had happened to them, I blamed myself. I had been incredibly stressed over a few things and felt that my stress levels contributed to losing our baby. One friend who had miscarried told me, it was ok, hit that low, blame myself, and in a few days I will be ready to hear other peoples stories and that it wasnt my fault.
She was right.
The following weekend, we went to Venice and I sat in the sun at the beach and whilst the incredible sadness was there, I was seeing things clearer and was ready to talk to people. On the monday, I was busy with my daughter when I received a phone call from the hospital. 'You've had a partial molar pregnancy. You will need weekly testing to ensure that these moles/tumours die off and you dont need chemotherapy. We do not know how long this could take. Maybe 6 months, maybe a year'.
The Germans are straight to the point when delivering information but there was also the language barrier to deal with. I hung up and called my husband. Completely freaked out about what I was told. Was my much longed for baby giving me cancer? My husband called the hospital to try and get better information. Meanwhile I was on google reading English articles- good and bad.
The English National Health Service had a great website and a hospital that managed all patients with this. I hoped I would get the same treatment. The emotional rollercoaster I was on was getting worse. We made an appointment with my gynacologyst, who had no idea that I had been diagnosed with a partial molar pregnancy so was a little shocked. 'Its very rare' he said. But I started the weekly blood tests to monitor my levels and hoped that they would drop. Which they did.
However my doctor was so flippant with everything, would barely give me any information and it was continuning to keep me stressed. I was then told I had cysts growing on my ovaries and I was being out on medication for it. Was it connected? Google doctor told me that a lot of people have cysts in early pregnancy and they usually die off. This was probably what my cysts were. Shame my doctor couldnt tell me this. Last week, my levels hit 3 and he said 'Ok, no more testing!'. 'What!! The hospital letter said I should reach 0 and then have testing for up to 6 months as these tumours can grow again even once you hit 0!' 'I will see you in one month' the doctor said.
So again, I was left stressed out. I decided to get a second opinion and I met this new doctor yesterday. 'We dont know enough about molar pregnancies and persistent trophoblastic disease here in Germany. You have to trust your doctor' she said. I then emailed Charing Cross hospital in London who specialises in this and they very quickly responded to me. My levels have been dropping well so I should relax, they told me to demand another blood test in a month, and also do a pregnancy test as this will confirm where my levels are at.
So at the moment, I just have to wait. I dont know if I am where I should be, I dont know when I can try for a baby again and I dont know when I am going to feel normal again. Sometimes, I feel that I havent even mourned the loss of my baby properly. It was taken over by these moles and a cancer scare.
I wish people talked about this all a lot more. Perhaps I would of heard of this disease before. Perhaps people would know what to say to me or what I should say to others. I have some pregnant friends who are treading on egg shells around me which I really dont want and then there are others who are so busy talking about themselves that have no idea how insensitive they are being.
At the moment, I just want to hit 0, be a better wife and mum to my daughter and say goodbye to 2015