I Had To Carry My Angel For Another Six Days Knowing She Was Already Gone

August 11, 2015

Aurora's story

 

I had a feeling I was pregnant when I was 9 weeks along. I had a feeling I might be, but wasn't sure if it was pregnancy or menopause that was making me feel sick and miss my cycle. At 47 there is a less than 1% chance of conceiving without fertility treatments. I had taken 3 pregnancy tests. First was 2 lines second was one line.

 

So I got a digital one thinking okay that will tell me for sure. It gave me ? As an answer. How to play with my head lol. So I went to the clinic to find out for sure. The doctor was quite surprised as was I. I was going to have my rainbow baby. I had a miscarriage 3 years prior. I was labeled high risk because of my age. Ultrasounds every 4 weeks, every week after 32 weeks. I was so excited.

 

At 16 weeks I went in for an ultrasound. The placenta was at the front of my uterus so baby was hiding and the tech couldn't get the measurements she needed, so I had to go back in 2 weeks. At 18 weeks I had another ultrasound done this time baby's back was to my belly so once again was told to come back in weeks. At 20 weeks we finally got all the measurements needed and was told it's a girl!!! Everyone was so excited!!!

 

At 24 weeks things were good, but she was measuring 1 week smaller than she should. Jessiah was really small when he was born so figured it was fine. On July 25th I noticed that her movement had changed. A little less frequent and were gentler. Had a stress test done, I noticed her heartbeat would drop to below 70 beats, then slowly go back up to normal. In the 3 hours I was there this happened 5 times.

 

I asked the nurse several times if this was normal. She just told me she recovers just fine so there is nothing to worry about, but an ultrasound was ordered just in case. The doctor said her hear was strong, movement was good, but noticed that she didn't seem to be making breathing motions, and that her amniotic fluid was a little low. But not to worry and I was sent home.

 

On July 31st I realized I hadn't really been feeling much movement again. So back to the hospital I went. The nurse used a Doppler and tried for what seemed like an eternity to find baby's heartbeat. She would find mine but not the baby's. I knew right away my baby was gone. The nurse got an ultrasound machine did some swipes and left the room. About 10 minutes later a doctor came in. Swiped the ultrasound wand around and told me there's no heartbeat.

 

I was devastated.

 

That was Thursday. It was a long weekend and they didn't want to induce me until after the long weekend. So I had to carry my angel for another 6 days knowing she was already gone. On August 5th the doctor used a balloon inserted into my uterus that was pulled to thin my cervix. It took 24 hours for it to do the job. On July 6th at noon they started the pitocin. 25 minutes later Aurora was born. She was fully intact when she was born. Placenta, intact sac and her. She was still encased in her sac. I have never seen that before. Didn't realize that was possible.

 

I spent a few hours with her. Taking pictures, holding her, loving her, even took a nap with her. Once she had started to deteriorate blandly enough I decided it was time to allow the nurse to take her downstairs. That will forever be that hardest thing I have ever had to do. I left the hospital 4 days later, dye to a uterine infection, with no baby. Just a box with a teddybear, the tiny blanket she was swaddled in, her hat, her hand and foot prints, and her bracelets. No BABY!!! I had to drive myself home. I cannot remember that 20 minute drive. I cried the whole way.

 

I know this is super long. But this is our story. 

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