...I So Wished This Wasn't Something I Had To Grieve Silently About

August 11, 2015

In the process of having my beautiful daughter, I have experienced 6 miscarriages. 2 before her and 4 afterwards.

 

Each experience was different -- some left me sobbing on the floor, some happened with only a little numbness, Each equally heartbreaking in its own strange way. Some I talked about and some I grieved alone, telling no one.

 

I can't honestly say which was better or which was ultimately easier. I can say that when I did talk about them, I was astonished at how many women I knew (some I'd known forever) who had experienced the same thing and never talked about it.

 

I'm not sure what helped me heal more but I can say that after one particularly horrific miscarriage, as I held the tiny body of my son that passed from my body into my hands in a hospital ER bathroom, I so wished this wasn't something I had to grieve silently about. It felt so much like every other epic loss I'd ever experienced in my life and "shame" or "embarrassment" shouldn't have even been words that passed through my mind. He deserved to be remembered and grieved.

 

When a woman shares her experience of a loss and then finds out I've had 6 miscarriages they often feel like my story is so much worse and so much sadder. I honestly feel that whether its 1 loss or 6, the pain is somehow equal in severity.

 

Perhaps I maybe feel a bit more despondent about if I ever will be able to have another baby but the pain, the sadness, the emptiness -- it's all equal. One loss is still too many. Especially if you are alone in your experience.

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