...I began to feel the pressure to get the whole episode 'over and done with.'

September 10, 2015


We were so excited when we found out I was pregnant with our second child. Everything was perfect. We were lucky enough to conceive straight away. The age gap was exactly how we wanted and we were looking forward to an 'autumn' baby. I had all the signs of a strong pregnancy. I was sick, feeling tired and starting to get a little bump. At 11 weeks I had a tiny amount of spotting, so I called the midwife. I didn't feel too concerned about this as it had happened in my previous pregnancy and all was well. Unfortunately the midwife didn't call me back. A couple of days later I had a little more. I called the NHS out of hours service. I spoke to a Doctor who said he would call the hospital and book me a scan that evening. He called me back to say that the hospital would call me ASAP and make the appointment, no one called me back. The next day I called my midwife again who said I should call my own GP to organize a scan. I called twice, no one called me back. By this time we were on the eve of my 12 week scan so decided to go ahead, still hoping that all would be well and that the worry would be nothing.

 

The wait in the waiting room was long that day. I remember a couple opposite us getting really cross about the waiting time. Eventually it was our turn, I walked in, palms sweating and nervous, but still hopeful. I mean I thought most miscarriages happened earlier than 11 weeks and nothing major had happened... We explained to the sonographer that we were feeling apprehensive. We started the scan and as the sonigrapher zoomed in we saw our tiny baby there. Formed and beautiful but ever so still. We then heard the crushing words 'I'm sorry, there is no heart beat'.

 

The sonographer left the room and we both broke down. When she returned with some tissues, my husband asked her what the options were for us. She said that she would make an appointment for us to see someone that afternoon if we could wait for a few hours, but didn't give us any clue of what to expect. We had a three hour anxious and extremely sad wait. We then saw a young consultant who explained I could have surgery, or wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. The thought of surgery scared me so I opted for the natural option and went home to wait, not knowing what to expect. Nearly a week passed. Everytime I visited the bathroom I was terrified of what might happen or what I might see.

 

Kind people sent flowers and chocolates, others wanted to know all the 'details',my husband's company let him work from home. I still had my two year old to look after, whilst I was feeling lost, empty, anxious and confused. I felt like it was my fault, that I had done something wrong. Well meaning people said things like 'you can always have another'. But I didn't want another, I wanted my baby I had carried for nearly 12 weeks. I was still feeling sick and very much pregnant. Friends came out of the 'dark' and told me about their miscarriages, everyone had happened differently, some people frightened me with stories of multiple miscarriages. I was terrified it would happen to me again as I didn't think I would cope. We looked in to what we might do with the baby, should it appear, called funeral directors and made arrangements. But the baby didn't appear and I began to feel the pressure to get the whole episode 'over and done with'.

 

I thought that if I had the operation it would all be over. I booked in for the operation on Fri 13th March. My husband had to drop me off at 7am and then leave me on my own. I was terrified. I was on a mixed ward of ladies with various illnesses from breast cancer to gangrene. When the consultant arrived at 9am to say I would be the first down to theatre I was very relieved. A lovely lady took me to theatre and held my hand as the General went in. I had never been under general before and all I remember is the funny taste in my mouth as I drifted off. I woke in recovery. As I was lying there another lady came in whom I had seen in the morning, she was clearly more pregnant than me. She came round from her aneasthetic a couple of beds away from me and absolutely broke down. Goodness knows what she had been through, I wanted to jump out of bed and give her a hug.

 

I was discharged that afternoon and went home to rest. On the Monday, my husband went back to work and I tried to pull myself together. I took our little girl to the library, where I promptly bumped in to an acquaintance and her newborn. I left as soon as I could and walked home sobbing. Would I ever find the strength to want to be pregnant again? I knew I had to for the sake of our daughter, I desperately wanted her to have a sibling. After a long recovery period, with several infections, we decided to try again... After all everyone said it was the only 'cure'... I was still crying a lot and had an 'empty' feeling. I felt cross that our perfect pregnancy had gone wrong and also anxious that the next could go wrong too... Also that each miscarriage I had would potentially increase the sibling age gap by 6 months. I was lucky and pregnant straight away again. The first 12 weeks felt like a lifetime and when we got to my scan I couldn't look at the screen. This time there was a heartbeat and a healthy baby. I was elated for a couple of weeks, then the anxiety kicked in again until my 20 wk scan. I am now 28 weeks pregnant And counting the kicks. I still miss my middle child daily, but the pain has got easier. I am thankful for being this far in my pregnancy and hoping for a healthy baby in the middle of February. I am more grateful than ever for this pregnancy and feel that people do not talk enough about miscarriage and what to expect.

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