I'm left feeling ashamed and embarrassed having told everyone.

September 10, 2015

 I am 34 and it was my first pregnancy. We found out very early that we were pregnant; I hadn't even missed a period. We chose to tell all of our friends and coworkers after an ultra sound at 8 1/2 weeks where we saw a strong regular heart beat and the growth measured appropriately. At 10 weeks and 2 days I started spotting. It was very light and I had no cramping so I wasn't exactly freaking out yet. Early the next morning I woke up and used the rest room where I woke up with significantly more blood and pressure in my hips. We went to the ER where we waited 3.5 hours before seeing a doctor. She did a pelvic exam which showed that my cervix was still closed but she was unable to locate a heartbeat with the Doppler. The doctor said I shouldn't get worried yet bc the Doppler isn't as reliable when you are in the first trimester. This gave us hope. Next we went to the ultra sound where the tech was tight lipped but I kept asking if she had found a heart beat. Finally she said, "Hannah, I'm not finding one, I'm sorry." Little did I know that she wasn't supposed to tell me. Once we returned back to our ER room the nurse came in and asked how I was and I told her what we had been told. She said that we weren't supposed to be told that. We would have to talk to my doctor after several people review it to make a positive diagnosis. After 8 hours, I was released with instructions to follow up with my doctor and that I could take Tylenol for pain if needed. I called my doctor (this was a Monday morning). I spoke with her nurse who told me that I needed to come in Wednesday. Monday night I completed the miscarriage at home. I did this in my bathroom. It took an hour and 15 min of contractions. I'm left feeling ashamed and embarrassed having told everyone. We were told that it's less than 2% chance after you hear the heartbeat @ 8 weeks that you will miscarry. My body and my heart feel broken. I continue to replay the events of the previous week over and over to try to come up with answers, but I'm left empty. I can logically talk myself out of blaming myself; I know that it isn't my fault and that there was a problem with development. I can't talk myself out of the worry that I might disappoint my partner by not giving him children.

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