I feel cheated...

October 11, 2015

My husband and I got married in May 2013. In August of that year we started trying to have a baby. I got pregnant the first month. It didn't even make it to the 5 week mark. The positive tests got lighter and lighter until it was gone. I was completely crushed. The doctor told me it was a chemical pregnancy and brushed it off like it was nothing. They're common, she said. As if that made the loss of my baby any more comforting. The next month we tried again, I got pregnant again. This time I went in for blood tests right away. My hcg level came back at 15. I lost another baby. The nurse practitioner gave me a prescription for progesterone cream for the next time I got pregnant and that was that. But I decided to go see a specialist. My husband and I had all the blood tests and everything run. It was all normal. But they found out my left Fallopian tube was abnormal. In January 2014 I had laparoscopic surgery to investigate the problem. She told me I may wake up without my tube, maybe both of them. When I woke up from surgery the first thing I asked was if they took out my tube. They left it in, but my ovary had scarred to it, causing the blockage. She said everything else looked good and said she'd just pulled them apart and removed some scar tissue. She told us we'd be pregnant in 3-6 months. We tried every month and I couldn't even get pregnant. Every period was an emotional blow. Meanwhile, my friend got pregnant on her first month trying and went on to have a healthy baby. I still couldn't even get pregnant. In June we stopped trying. We didn't avoid it, but we weren't doing the whole "timing and temping" thing. And now I'm pregnant again. I'm almost 6 weeks and so far all seems to be going well. But when I told my parents, who knew about my previous miscarriages, that I was pregnant, I didn't get the ecstatic response you'd normally get. It's hard to get excited when you know how fragile it can be. I feel cheated out of the experience of being SURE I'm going to end up with a baby at the end of this. I envy the people that don't have to go through what I went though. It was hard being the only one of my friends with this problem. I found a friend through another friend who had a similar story. I would have never known. I felt so alone and sad through everything. Like my body was broken and it was my fault. I'm so glad you are making this movie. No one should feel the aloneness I felt while going through something so terrible.

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