I felt like I was screaming for help but no one could hear me.

October 11, 2015

I found out I was pregnant just before Christmas 2013.. I personally was over the moon, shocked but really happy. As my husband and I hadn't been "trying" and we had just bought our first home, he was shocked and worried about the financial impact it would have on our family. This made me feel like he wasn't happy. So after a few weeks when I started to feel ill and no longer felt pregnant I tried to speak to him and my mum about it. They obviously were doing what they thought best and played it down. When I had my booking in appointment with my midwife , I again raised my concerns. I was told that if I'd done a pregnancy test and it was positive that's all they need to know. A week after that appointment I was at work and I started to get awful stomach pains, I knew deep down something was wrong and I ended up in A and E. I was admitted to the gynaecology ward where I was kept over night. I was scanned the next morning and told there was no heartbeat. My dates put me at 9 weeks pregnant by then. I was told my dates could be wrong and to go home and wait for two weeks, then come back for another scan.

 

During this time people around me tried to keep me positive , even when I started to bleed. I felt like I was screaming for help but no one could hear me. Eventually after ringing the hospital ward several times and asking for help and advice I was told to go in. I was examined and told it didn't look like a miscarriage and my scan was brought forward a couple of days. Sadly two days later , I had my scan and it was confirmed that I'd lost the baby. I was then given the options, of going home and "letting nature take its course" , or being given medication to "empty" my womb. I was told an operation was not an option for me at the current time due to the shape of my womb,but if in two weeks I were to still test positve for pregnancy I would need one. I chose to take the medication as I wanted it over as soon as possible, it had already gone on for two weeks. I had a terrible reaction to the medication and ended up back in hospital. At one point a male dr had to examine me so he needed a chaparon, he brought in a heavily pregnant health care assistant to do this.

 

The next morning I was discharged and told to do a pregnancy test in a few weeks and let them know if it were positive as more would need to be done if that were the case. I did the test as asked and it was still positive. So as instructed I contacted the hospital. It was then suggested I wait another week an repeat the test, after all I'd gone through I couldn't face anymore waiting. They begrudgingly did blood tests to check my hormone levels were dropping. When I asked about the operation I was lead to believe I would need I was almost laughed at.

 

Throughout all this no one spent anytime explaining what a miscarriage was or what to expect. I was given several different opinions and views all of them conflicting. No one offered me any support or advice and I was made to feel like I was overreacting when I got upset. My husband works away and my mother had to look after my other children whilst I was in hospital so I had no one with me at my lowest. Fortunately I work with some lovely women and one of them arranged for me to see a midwife for some counselling. It was the first time in all that mess that I felt I was being listened too. I still find it hard to talk about it because when I do people change the subject, or you get told, at least it wasn't a proper baby or "well it would have had something wrong with it had it grown" . Some people say well you can have another ... I don't want another I wanted that baby! I love that baby.

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