The devastation was expected, but the shame was not.

October 11, 2015

At the age of 32 I decided to get some help for my unexplained infertility. I was diagnosed with PCOS, and started the infertility life. In the past 8 years, I have done 4 rounds of IUI's, I've had gastric lap band to lose weight, and when that didnt work, had it reversed and had gastric bypass. I then started with the first of 6 rounds of IVF. Round 5 of IVF I finally, miraculously got pregnant. It was the happiest 5 weeks of my life. The day after Christmas I started to feel off, and have horrible stomach pain, and I just knew I was losing the baby. I had bloodwork done 2 days later and learned it was officially gone. All I remember is sobbing and trying to think of how I am going to tell my mother that I lost it (my husband was there when I got the call). The devastation was expected, but the shame was not. The embarrassment and guilt I experienced was horrible. Then, I didn't pass the baby myself, after taking medication to force it, and I had to have a D&C. The last thing I remember before I was asleep in the operating room was a man holding a large hose. That vision haunts me.

 

I knew I needed to try IVF again, I knew I would get pregnant again, and I hoped I would find that same happiness. The following May I had my 6th IVF cycle, and got pregnant again. The happiness did not return. Pregnancy after miscarriage is all about anxiety and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was a little excited, but scared to death, waiting to lose this one too. on June 1, the morning I miscarried, I felt fine. My husband called because he thought something was wrong, but I was fine. Within 40 minutes I was in the worst pain of my life, and I knew I miscarried. I saw my baby in the toilet. It doesn't matter that I was only around 5 weeks pregnant, that was my baby. This time I completely shut down. My life is one of anger and pain. I cant seem to get out of the hole I am in. It's been over a year and my heart hurts, my soul hurts. There is a piece missing from me and no one understands what this is like.

 

Next month I will turn 40, and I cant even deal with it. All I hear is the sound of my fertile clock winding down. It feels like my life ticking away. I have never been a person who wanted a career, or a big exciting life, all I ever wanted was to have children. So how do I live when I cant? What do I do now? My life seems useless, without meaning. The anger is unending and I have no one to be angry at but myself and God. We are discussing adoption and I cant bear the thought of not having my own child. Im stuck, stalled in my own hell. I've gained 40 pounds in the past year. I stay in my bed, and sleep as much as I can. I cant deal with life anymore, I just get through. This is no way to live. I have no where to turn and not really any options. I can go through with another IVF cycle, but I cant go through another miscarriage.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm lost. I cannot afford surrogacy, or donor eggs or embryos. I have a cousin who had a baby 5 days before my first due date. That baby is beautiful, but causes me so much pain. Her first birthday is next week, my second due date without a child is 5 days later. I am unable to go to a baby shower, or look at baby toys and baby clothes in the store. it's not fair. This pain should not be what my life is all about. There are days I'm ok. There are days I need 3 Xanax to get up in the morning. The only thing I am able to do is talk about it, and try to make people understand. I hope this helps your story, I can go on and on, but it really changes nothing. This is not any kind of life to be stuck with.

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