We prayed for a baby instead Heaven got an Angel. As I debated on whether or not to go public with this I feel that it is appropriate to share my story. This is not to make you feel sorry for me at all. This is something I am not ashamed nor embarrassed of. Instead I feel honored.
Five months after four months of praying and trying for a baby I was done. Kaleb asked me if we could try one more time and I agreed. It’s tough when you see that negative sign on a pregnancy test. From the moment of conception we are mothers and we have a baby. On May 25th, 2015 I got my positive pregnancy test. I shouted inside. I broke the news to Kaleb with a fortune cookie that read “Your going to be a Dad AGAIN!” We broke the news to our family later that day at a Memorial Day get-together. Kaleb gave Grace and at the end he thanked God for our new baby. There was smiles that lit up the room and congratulations were told. That was such a happy day.
We went in to confirm the pregnancy at the end of that week. We even got to see our teeny tiny pin dot baby on the ultra sound. Of course we got a print out and proudly displayed it on our fridge. We also took Addalynn’s picture that said Big Sister. We were on top of the world and overjoyed and felt so blessed with baby #2 on the way!
The day I lost part of my heart, two weeks later I decided we should go to the ER. No pregnant woman wants to ever see blood, and I was extremely worried. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t watch TV my mind was consumed on what was happening. I called and talked to several nurses who told me that there was nothing they could do under 10 weeks of pregnancy. Some told me it was common to bleed. After blood work, ultrasounds (which we weren't allowed to see) and seven hours of being at the hospital the doctor informed us there was still a baby but was measuring only 4 weeks and 5 days and I was supposed to be 6 weeks along. The doctor wanted me to come back and check my HCG (hormone) level in two days.
That night after we got home, the baby went to meet it’s Creator. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5. Two days later when the nurse called she said “Unfortunately it’s not good news. Your HCG level went from 470 to 140.” The most heartbreaking words to hear. I held it together, got off the phone and broke down in my husbands arms. The news confirmed what we thought Monday night.
The next hardest thing was telling our family and friends that already knew we were expecting. Why and What Never in a million years I thought this would happen to me. Probably no woman does. I went through the why’s. Why me? All I wanted was a healthy baby, I wasn’t picky. I never complained once in my previous pregnancy. In fact I loved it! Why after 5 months of trying? Why give me a baby and take it away? Then the what’s came about. What happened? What went wrong? What did I do? All of which is completely normal to go through. Asking for help I reached out to a few people who have had miscarriages that I knew. I hated asking them and opening up their wounds. But, they helped me so very much. They had been there, they knew what I was going through and how my heart feels. So I want to say thank you ladies (A.W., H.S., J.G., K.B., K.T., S.E.) for opening up to me, giving me advice, sharing your stories. I greatly appreciate it.
Our stories are all different but our pain is the same. We all lost a child, whether at 6 weeks, 15 weeks, stillborn or after. One in four. One in four women miscarry a baby. I am one of those women. "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21 Like I said, I am not ashamed. It is not something that should be hidden or forgotten. This was my baby and always will be. I know God had bigger plans for it and needed this baby on the streets of gold with Him. I will see my second baby in Heaven. Why God chose my baby to be an angel I do not know. One day I will find out. As for now, I will give thanks for Him blessing me with the baby I carried for 6 weeks and bonded with.
No matter how far along you carry a child, you still have a connection, your still bonded to it. No one will ever know how it feels unless they go through it. Part of my heart feels empty, like I will always have this hole where I lost my baby. I will move forward, I will try for another baby but another child will never ever replace the one that is in Heaven. Helping others Going through this experience has opened my eyes greater than what they were before. I now know things to say to someone that ever has to go through losing a child. I know things not to say to them (your body just got rid of it, at least you weren't very far along, at least it wasn't born and then passed away.)
Instead, always be there for someone who ever has to go through this. You may not know what to say, even just “I’m thinking of you” or “I’m praying for you” goes a long way. Don’t be silent, because that can be misleading that you aren’t there for them. Be the person that could brighten their day. Thank you to all who called and text me every day to check on me. I hope that I can help a women that ever has to go through this experience. If I can just help one person I will feel that I really helped them. Be Thankful “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:18 I am so thankful for the daughter I have been blessed with. She is absolutely a gift from God.
She has helped me every day to really focus on the small things. The way she shrugs her shoulders, the itty bitty smirk she does, the way she gets excited when she see’s something she wants. To all you mommies, pregnant women and future mommies-be thankful. Give thanks for your healthy children, for your healthy baby your carrying, and for having the blessing of being pregnant. Pregnancy is a beautiful and loving gift from God, enjoy every second of it. You may think your uncomfortable, swollen feet, hormonal etc, just remember there is a woman who would LOVE to be pregnant and in your shoes. Learning to cope They say time heals all wounds. My body has healed. I don’t think I will ever “heal” my heart from losing a child. Learning to move forward with our lives will take a lot of time, grieving, crying and bonding with my husband and daughter. Each day I get a little bit stronger. Am I still sad? Do I still feel like part of my heart is gone? Yes. Will it be hard to see pregnant women and newborn babies? Of course it will be. Am I happy for them? Most definitely. As January 31, 2016 approaches we will celebrate the due date of our second baby.
This baby will never be forgotten, always be in our hearts forever. Not a day goes by or will that I will not think about my baby I never got to meet. All the details about the baby; who’s nose, ears and lips does the baby have we all wonder about- one day we will see! From one of the books that was recommended to me, “Mommy Please Don’t Cry There Are No Tears In Heaven” here is a quote “Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair…and once again, our hearts will beat together.” We prayed for a baby, instead Heaven got an Angel. God promises rainbows after storms. We will pray for our rainbow baby after this storm we went through.