But then the doctor's voice changed...

October 15, 2015

On April 15 it will be 2 years since I lost my son. My boyfriend took me to the hospital for a regular check up at 20 weeks pregnant. I closed my eyes as the doctor showed him the sex, because I promised to wait until later at the reveal party to find out. But then the doctors voice changed.

 

I don't remember much, I just remember looking at my boyfriend so confused.. Why are they so calm? But in their voice something sounds so wrong? Is it bad? Is it okay to cry? Okay or not, I was crying. The doc said I could have went into labor in the waiting room, and I was put on bed rest immediately. I was 20 weeks pregnant, and 6cm dilated. The only thing I could do for even a chance for my son to survive was lay in a hospital bed for 3 to 20 weeks. We definitely had hope. Then my water broke. I was rushed into labor and delivery where my family surrounded me with love as we waited to have a baby who we all knew would never be able to live. It was so screwed up.

 

Nobody knew how to feel or what to say, at least I didn't.. I just wanted to sleep for 3 months and then wake up and wake up with a healthy baby. I held my baby baby boy while he laid breathless in my arms. His umbilical cord had been tied in a knot and he was stillborn sometime between my water breaking and delivery. I didn't have to watch him suffer, but he never got to meet me or feel my touch. They say every day grief puts on a new face... Anger, sadness, anxiety, fatigue... Its true. I have gotten into a healthier lifestyle to help me push through the pain and try to heal. I think therapy would help. All I know is you have to take care of yourself after this.

 

You have to take the time to grieve, you have to allow yourself to break down whenever your body says its time. Don't hold it in. I can feel myself growing stronger and I know in time my heart will be at peace.

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