I ask them, how am I supposed to be over it? I will never be over it.

October 15, 2015

Having been diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS, as well as having a short cervix due to 3 LEEPs, my husband and I knew that getting pregnant would be a challenge. We tried for three years with no luck. As I approached 35, we decided to take some time off to save up enough money to start fertility treatment. September 7, 2014 we learned I was pregnant. I cannot describe the joy and terror that went through me. I had dreamed of this for years, the chance to be a mother, to provide my husband with a child for us to raise. It seemed as if all of our dreams were coming true. A week later I started spotting. The doctor didn't seem concerned when I called, just take it easy for a few days and they would see me at 9 weeks. I showed up at 9 weeks, still spotting, but a heartbeat was seen. The baby was measuring a few days behind but everyone assured me that this was normal and nothing to be concerned about. Come back in 3 weeks, they said.

 

At my 12 week appointment I was told my cervix was very short and I would be referred to a high risk physician. My appointment was scheduled for two weeks later. Three days after my 12 week appointment I started bleeding. Heavy but painless, I coated pad after pad until a hour had passed and I woke my husband up to take me to the ER. We waited for over an hour for the ultrasound tech to arrive. We were thrilled when we found out that the baby still had a heart beat. It was measuring a week behind, but the heartbeat looked good. We were, cautiously, elated. At my first appointment with the high risk doctor I was told two things: I had complete placenta previa, and I was also high risk for Trisomy 18. Do I want to terminate, they asked? Absolutely not.

 

I was carrying the child everyone told me I"d never have. I wasn't going to give it up based on possibilities. On the positive side, my cervix, though short, was holding steady. A few weeks later I would feel the baby move for the first time. To this day, it is one of the most precious moments of my life. From that time on I had ultrasounds every two weeks, to make sure my cervix was holding up. At the time I was frustrated with needing to take so much time off of work but now I cherish all of time I got to see my baby on ultrasound.

 

Fast forward to December 29th, my anatomy scan. The baby showed many abnormalities. One of its feet were clubbed. The abdomen was measuring very small. The fluid pockets in the brain were much larger than what would be considered normal. I consented to the amnio at that time. On Friday, January 2nd, 2015 I found out that our baby, our daughter, had Triploidy. This happens when an egg is fertilized by two different sperm (it can also be of maternal origin, but this is what the genetics counselor told me when she called that day). Our daughter was not compatible with life. We were told to expect her to pass away at any point.

 

Tuesday, January 13th, 2015 we had our final ultrasound. There was no heartbeat and very little fluid. Our daughter was dead. Part of me wanted to deliver, to be able to see her, this child of mine. I knew it might be my only chance in this life to hold my own child. But my doctors were concerned because of the placenta that was still completely covering my cervix. If I went into labor I could hemorrhage. The next day, at 22 weeks exactly, our daughter's remains were removed via D&E. I lost about a liter of blood and needed a transfusion as well as an overnight stay.

 

I hope beyond hope that my husband and I will have a second chance at a family. People say "at least you got pregnant," or "it wasn't meant to be," or some variation thereof. These statements are less than helpful. Everyone expects me to be over it by now. I ask them, how am I supposed to ever be over it? I will never be over it. I can only hope that one day the pain won't be quite so staggering.

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