...I felt like such a failure as a woman.

October 15, 2015

When my daughter was 5 my partner of 4 years and I decided we wanted to add to our family. We tried for two years to conceive on our own with no luck before consulting our Dr. After a sperm analysis it was determined the issues were mine (momma). Blocked fallopian tubes and inconsistent ovulation were to blame. After a small procedure to flush my tubes and a prescription ovulation aid I became pregnant.


This pregnancy ended at 14 weeks when a routine ultrasound discovered the baby's heart has stopped beating. Because my body didn't miscarry the fetus I went to the operating room for not one but two D&C's. We were devastated, I was crushed. After emotionally coping with this loss we decided to try again, again needing an ovulation aid. I became pregnant right away but soon began cramping. Ultrasound determined I had a non viable pregnancy in my uterus and a viable pregnancy on my left fallopian tube. Again we were crushed.


I spent 5 days on hospital on Iv and pain meds. When an internal ultrasound showed the tubal pregnancy had passed safely I was discharge from hospital brokenhearted. After lots of tears I told my partner I couldn't try again for a while, not just because my body and heart needed rest but honestly because I felt like such a failure as a woman.


A few weeks after being released from the hospital I was still feeling sick and returned to the Dr who did another ultrasound showing a 7+ week pregnancy. Apparently the atopic pregnancy had let go of the tube and implanted in my uterus. I was put on I immediate bed rest and bled most of the pregnancy. Our son is now 3 years old and we are blessed everyday to have him!! After all the ups and downs we decided not to try again but also not to prevent a pregnancy.


I am currently healthy and 9 weeks pregnant. Everyday I worry, in 4 weeks I've had 4 ultrasound and so far so good. After suffering such loss in the past I struggle with anxiety and doubt. I wake up everyday wanting to enjoy this pregnancy but find myself to scared to be excited because I know at this stage anything can happen.

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