I was literally crying in my sleep.

October 15, 2015

We had been trying for exactly a year when I found out I was pregnant on new years eve. We thought "what a way to end the year and start the new one". We were elated. From the moment I saw those two lines I immediately bonded with my baby and knew this was meant to be and that all my tears and all my heartache over trying so hard was over.

 

The baby was wasn't growing and it took weeks to just see the amniotic sac and another few weeks just to see the yolk sac. After having the patience of a saint my doctor gave us the news on February 4th that the baby didnt grow and she was sorry. I remember taking it really well I even said "ok so what's the next step" as though I could somehow come out of this fine. I agreed to miscarry naturally and went home. After 8 days of constantly breaking down and having a terrifying fear of miscarry while at work I agreed to a d&c. I went in the following afternoon and came out as empty as ever. I remember taking a nap and waking up covered in my own tears. I literally was crying in my sleep.

 

The only thing that actually kept peace for me was now an unwelcomed friend full of sadness and despair. I struggle with my emotions and sometimes even feel bipolar. I'm heartbroken in every sense of the word and I can only hope that one day I can see a pregnant woman and not feel jealousy or that a month passes by that I don't think of how many months pregnant I should be or how old my baby would've been. I have been very outspoken about what happened to me and still reference my pregnancy in conversation. Not because I'm obsessed but because it did happen I was pregnant even if it was for a few weeks it still happened. I won't be ashamed about what happened to me and I won't let the insecurities of others control what I deem appropriate to say. I am a mother that lost her baby. That's hard enough to handle in a world like today so suck it up and either shut up and listen or simply walk away when I bring up my angel baby because I'm not going anywhere.

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