...that pregnancy ended while I cramped and sobbed alone in a bathroom at work.

October 15, 2015

I became a mother when I was nineteen. At nearly 22-years-old, I have yet to hold my own baby in my arms.

 

My husband & I wanted to start our family right away. Family was most important to us and we were excited to be parents. Exactly four months since we had been married, we found out that we were expecting, and nothing could have brought us out of our castle in the clouds. Nothing, except the abrupt end of that pregnancy.

 

After that first miscarriage we waited a couple of months to try again, and six months after our loss we were expecting a second time. Pregnancy number two was very different. We were excited, but filled with trepidation and even fear. We saw a midwife after the first trimester and she didn't hear a heartbeat. I figured that maybe my uterus was tipped, as the midwife had suggested would make it difficult for a heartbeat to be heard. Being excited to see & hear our baby's heartbeat, we scheduled an ultrasound right away. We had seen an ultrasound before with our first pregnancy after I had started bleeding, to see if the baby could possibly still be there. We were devastated to leave the ultrasound tech empty-handed - no photos of our tiny dream to share with family & friends.

 

We went to the same ultrasound studio for the second pregnancy and once again, no heartbeat, no black & white proof that we were going to be parents. Just over a week later, that pregnancy ended while I cramped and sobbed alone in a bathroom at work. Following a second loss, we put our family planning on hold for a time. Fast-forward a year-and-a-half: my husband and I are trying to conceive once again after waiting a year and taking time to heal & grow. I have met incredible, strong, supportive women (through real-life acquaintance as well as social media) in the past two+ years since the loss of our first baby, I have become more comfortable with sharing our story, and I quietly encourage both men & women to share theirs and bring the pain & truth of pregnancy loss to light.

 

My faith has grown immensely in these times where it could have been completely destroyed. I still look forward to when we will have our own child, and deal daily with the pain of losing our first two babies, but for now I try hard to focus on what is in the present. I hurt for women & men who suffer in needless silence and pray that the world will recognize how prevalent these losses are and how important it is to be open & honest. I especially want to see more support for fathers of these angel babies, as they are too often shoved into the dark and expected to always be strong & supportive. I have learned that both husband & wives hurt immensely, and though they deal with loss in their own ways, loss is still very real. I yearn to see my husband be a father to our children, and wish that he received more support & focus during our difficult times.

 

Thank you to the women & men who understand how hard due dates, Mother's & Father's Day, Christmas, and many other times are for so many others in our world. THANK YOU especially, creators or Don't Talk About the Baby, for bringing attention to this sensitive, REAL subject. God bless you.

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