My hands, along with my heart, are empty

May 31, 2020

I honestly don't know where to start.

 

I'm 28 years old. Living in Antalya, Turkey married to a Brit. We have lost our baby boy at 15+1 weeks on April 20th.

 

The baby was checked on Saturday and was healthy and moving and we lost him on Monday morning. I've had labour pain for about 24 hours but didn't know what they were so ended up staying home. I've never experienced such pain in my entire life.

 

 

 

As I woke up and went to the bathroom on Monday morning, my precious baby boy popped in to the toilet but was still attached to me by the umbilical cord. My husband had to catch the baby and I laid down on the bathroom floor.

 

He called an ambulance but as they came they've noticed they didn't have the correct tools so they took me to the hospital with my baby still attached to me on my lap. It was the most traumatic experience I've been through. I was rushed to the labour room and pushed the placenta out. I was told I lost the baby mostly because I've had incredibly high infection levels.

 

My doctor seems to think it was infection in the womb so my body ended up rejection my baby boy. I've had bleeding and cramps for about 3 weeks. I was also advised to get an HSG test later on possibly after my first period back.

 

It's been a month and I'm still waiting. Life has been so hard with so many up and downs. I've even had my milk come which was devastating. My body was changing drastically along with my mental health.

 

I have never been a stranger to grief because I've lost my mum at age 13 and my dad at age 25, both to cancer and I'm an only child.Also found out my dad had internal cancer and he passed away within a month on my birthday. Me and my husband took care of him in our home having being married only for a year. I was changing his diapers and washing and this played tricks with my mind.

 

 

 

In Turkish culture you always take care of your parents/elders and hospice care don't really exist here. So even though it was so dark and heavy it was my greatest honour taking care of him along with our church community and my husband.

 

I was adopted as a baby and my birth mother apparently sold me for little bit of money. And she still ended up having 6 kids from different men. Which also doesn't feel right or fair. My adoptive parents has been the best and never knew they were my adoptive parents for years. My dad told me my story when I was 19 and everything changed after that.

 

 

 

Questioning my worth and identity and all. But fell more in love with my dad.

 

Now I'm married for four years to the most amazing man and we have a dog. Her name is Bella. And I love my little family.

 

All I want is to have a living baby now.

 

Having coming from woman who never wanted you, never looked after you or nurtured you, makes you want to have a baby to almost redeem it all. I felt extremely heartbroken, shattered and lost and still do, when I've had my miscarriage. I was and still am angry with God why than he allowed it at the first place.

 

My hands along with my heart are empty and I miss my boy.

 

My fear and hope both exist around any further pregnancies. I'm anxious more than ever but also there's nothing else I want more. My doctor suggested to wait for two cycles before trying.

 

I'm also a blog writer and I write a lot on grief and loss if you would be interested. Thank you for taking time to read this. I know my story could be very overwhelming. Thank you again for providing this platform and let me use my voice. 

 

Don't Talk About the Baby is a documentary film, now streaming on Vimeo and Amazon. Join the movement to #ShatterTheStigma

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