...fear and doubt plague us...

September 11, 2015


After two healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies we were blessed with one more. After struggling with PCOS this had been an amazing achievement. This pregnancy was different from the start, with horrid nausea plaguing me from the get go. At our 16 week check up we learned our baby had died and a D&C was scheduled for the following day. We decided she was a girl and named her Daisy. A couple months later, after two rounds of clomid we were pregnant again. At 18 weeks we learned we were having a little boy and named him Joshua. He wasn't doing well, though we weren't given details. The following week, a day after Christmas, we learned he had died. An induction was scheduled and at 19 weeks 5 days our son was born silently into the world. We took time to bond with him and kiss him and say goodbye. We were devasated. In the following weeks he was tested, I was tested and we found no answers. We only knew he had severe IUGR, but not why. He was buried and we fought through the grieving process.

 

I had no idea how painful that experience and loss could be, and it was only compounded by Daisys loss earlier that year. 6 months later we were pregnant again, this time without the aid of fertility drugs. At 13 weeks, I delivered a perfect tiny person at home. Her sweetness only eclipsed by the bloody horror show that followed. I bled a total of 9 weeks before medication finally stopped it. I went thru legal channels and was able to bury her as well, we named her Eden. Grief compounded once again. The following year, after much discussion we attempted once again, using clomid, and became pregnant. A week after learning we were pregnant, we learned a miscarriage was imminent. Not willing to give up just yet, we did another round of clomid and my doctor started me on lovenox injections preconception. The lovenox was essentially a last ditch effort. I have no known clotting disorders so we don't know if it will work. We conceived that first month and are now 21 weeks with a little girl. We had a blood test performed that indicated no chromosomal problems and her NT scan was normal. As of now she is doing well, however fear and doubt plague us. Since we do not know what caused our loves to die, we are not confident that she will survive. She is our last chance and we pray she does survive. I am very open to talking about my babies, they are very much alive in our hearts. I hope my story can help break the taboo.

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