...I knew it would be the last night my baby was there...

I found out I was first pregnant right around my 20th birthday. There are no words to describe how excited me and my boyfriend were. I went to the doctor the first time and they said everything looked fine, except the baby was smaller than he/she should have been according to my last period. They even told me I could hear my own babies heartbeat. So they wanted to see me the following week to check and make sure everything was okay. I go to the doctor the next week and they told me the baby was the same size.. My baby just stopped growing at 8 weeks and the heartbeat the other doctor told me I heard turned out to be my own. Me and my boyfriend just sat in the doctors office for a good 30 minutes crying our eyes out. I had to get a D&C done 3 days later.. The night before I was scheduled to go, I just laid there and rubbed my belly and cried, because I knew it would be the last night my baby was there... Going into the same day surgery center that morning I could do nothing but cry... There is nothing nobody can say to ever make me feel better. I struggle so bad to get up everyday and go to work and go about my life. I'm scared that if I enjoy myself it's an insult to my baby. I don't know what to do. My baby would have been due on October 17, 2013. Then after my first miscarriage about 6 months later I found out I was pregnant again, again very excited. I went to the hospital one night before I was scheduled for my first appointment because I was bleeding very lightly.. The doctor told me everything was fine though, and I saw my baby and heard his/her heartbeat. The VERY next day I started bleeding worse. Called the midwife and she told me to go to the hospital right away. So I left work and rushed to the hospital. Got a sonogram and there was no baby.. Just 12 hours ago I saw my baby, then he/she just wasn't there anymore. There's no feeling to even compare to what I was feeling. The nurse explained to me after testing, that my boyfriend just had "too fast of swimmers". But it doesn't help me feel any better. I want a baby so bad and my doctors all want me to go to a fertility doctor, but I'm scared to see the results. I'm only 21 years old, why can't I have a successful pregnancy? It hurts so bad....