...in my culture everyone has at least four children.

I've had two miscarriages. I never thought that would happen to me. I had a great job as an executive director, loving family,healthy, great friends. I told my family that I was pregnant during Mothers day. A weeks later I was in the dr office crying beacuse they could not find a heartbeat. I was about 10 weeks. 2nd time around I was not ready to share the news with anyone but my husband. We found ourselves back in the same story. I felt that my world had fallen apart, then angry. "Why so many women can have children with no problem 4,5,6 etc and I cant keep my baby alive". I'm Hispanic and in my culture every one has at least 4 children. I felt pain when people would ask "When are you planning to have a big family" I once was asked by a sales person if I had any children and when I said no, he looked at me with this odd face and said whats wrong with you. I was open to adoption but after going to classes I knew that I was not strong to deal with the process. I had a hole in my heart and I did not know how to fix It.

I was ready to give up and found out that I was pregnant again. All I could think was "Not again, I can't do this again." Made a doctor appointment and was put on Lovenox daily injections. At 8 weeks we had our first ultrasound. I was in tears preparing to hear " I'm sorry, Olga". The dr said "We have a strong heart beat." I thought that I would feel joy but instead I felt scared, empty, lost. I'm currently 35 week and still giving my self daily injections. I still feel empty inside. The fear of the two miscarriages has never gone away. I think I will feel love, joy and a feeling of success once I hear baby cry and I see that she is healthy. Until then my thoughts of miscarriage will be in my head and heavy heart. Its still hard to tell anyone that I've had two miscarriages. Its hard to tell people that "No, I will not be having more children." No, Im not broken just a little bit challenged in that area." I have learned to grow and time will move on.

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