I wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. When I saw the positive test I started shaking and crying I was so excited to be pregnant. I started noticing that I felt less pregnant around 8 weeks. My breasts weren't as sore, I wasn't feeling sick or bloated or tired. I had some spotting so my husband took me to the hospital where they did an ultrasound. They said the baby was measuring small and there was no heartbeat but it was still early. So they sent me for a follow up ultrasound in two weeks. I didn't last that long. A few days later I contacted my doctor at the prenatal clinic and they did beta hcg tests. My levels were trending downward and it looked like I was losing the baby. I was devastated. I remember I didn't cry, I think I was in shock. When I was supposed to be about ten weeks along I went into the hospital again. They checked my bloodwork and ran my second ultrasound and confirmed that I had miscarried. Again I was in shock. It hit me when I got half way through the parking lot. I collapsed on the ground crying and I kept asking why. Why me? Why my baby?
I cried the entire drive home and my husband didn't break down until we got home. It really is a pain you can't understand unless you've experienced it. I ended up having a D&C three days before my wedding. October 16, 2013 I lost my baby. Even though I never got to know for sure I always thought it was a girl, so we named her Sophie. Her due date was May 18, 2014. To celebrate her would have been (potentially) birthday my husband and I went to the Toronto zoo. I managed to conceive again very quickly and now we have a bouncing baby boy named Declan. To remember our baby that we lost we went to Build-a-Bear workshop and made a special teddy bear for her. Even though I am doing better a year later and am functioning well, I miss our baby every day. I think of her always. I will always have a personal celebration for her birthday. It really changes who you are when you lose a baby or child.