It's hard to live with a big, black baby shaped hole in our lives.

September 15, 2015

We found out that we were expecting on 20th January 2014. I was in toilets at work with my mum when the test came up positive. I was so happy I cried. My husband cried tears of happiness when I called him to tell him too. We had our 1st scan on 15th Feb and saw our little ones heartbeat. I had experienced some spotting but after that scan was told not to worry unless it became heavy. Over the next few days it gradually started to get a little heavier. I called our local hospital again and again but we couldn't get an appointment because the clinic was short staffed. I called them 3 times over 4 days begging them for an appointment but we never managed to get one. By 21st of February we were desperate to know what was going on - I had been bleeding lightly for 10 days at this point. I booked a scan with a private company and at 4pm we saw our babies heartbeat for the last time.

 

At 10pm that evening I lost our desperately wanted child. I was rushed into hospital due to the heavy bleeding and a scan confirmed that my womb was empty. Our baby would have been due this week and since then we haven't been able to conceive again. I don't think that we will ever get over our loss - especially as we couldn't get any medical help when we needed it. I've spent the last 7 months tearing myself apart that maybe if I had of insisted on an appointment the outcome would have been different. It's hard to live with a big black baby shaped hole in our lives. 33 weeks on from that night we still live day to day. Some days I feel like my heart will explode with grief. It feels like I can't breath. My husband has been incredible but he worried that it was his fault that we miscarried. This year has been the most difficult of our lives and now we are facing the prospect of fertility drugs and ivf. I stopped ovulating and haven't done since our baby left us. Friends and family think I should be over it by now but how do you ever get over losing your child????

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