...my precious son, who lights up our life, has been our beacon of hope...

I learned of this documentary at a very crucial time for me this week, after learning on Monday that I had a missed miscarriage and would have to induce miscarriage to pass my third baby, and second lost baby. Pregnancy loss is such a widespread experience and yet, I get uncomfortable responses from some people as I have tried to share my story. I have family members who haven't even reached out to offer their condolences or support. Why? Why is this treated any differently than any other loss? Why is their a veil of mystery and shame around this grief? I became pregnant for the first time in August of 2013. My husband and I were elated! Our first baby, such a welcome blessing. I had a t-shirt made for him that said "New Dad, Rookie Dept 2014" and I gave it to him along with the positive test. He was in shock but so excited. Our excitement quickly turned to fear as the day after I got a positive test, I started spotting.

I went to my doctor who nicely told me that it was either going to be a viable pregnancy or could possible be a chemical pregnancy. I hated that term. I saw two pink lines; I had conceived a child. There was nothing chemical about it. I went for HCG testing and was away for the weekend on a trip out of state. I was unable to repeat the test until about 4 days later. During that span I had continued to spot but I was hopeful that I would get positive results. On a Thursday, I was at the mall and was looking at maternity clothes, so excited about the idea of needing them eventually. I started having some cramping and just told myself it was normal. But as the afternoon progressed, it became worse. By 4pm I was in pain and received a call from the doctor that my HCG level had dropped. A few hours later, the bleeding started. I was shattered. I felt like my entire world was coming down around me.

My doctor told me that we needed to wait 3 months to try again. I was stunned...how can they in one breath call my pregnancy "chemical" and in the next tell me I needed to wait 3 months to conceive? I did my own research and trusted that my body would get pregnant again if it was ready. And I never got a period...I became pregnant with my son immediately after my miscarriage. His pregnancy was scary, as I had some bleeding due to a subchorionic hematoma. It was like a bad dream, and I thought for sure I would end up losing him too. But he was born at 9 pounds 10oz and absolute perfection. The day after his first birthday, I learned that I was pregnant again. My husband and I had decided to try that month but after multiple negative tests and what I thought was my period starting, I assumed we had not gotten so lucky. But when that period was light I decided to take one more test and there it was, two pink lines. I called my midwives and asked for HCG testing because I was once again, feeling very anxious. They complied and my first level came back as 82. That number seemed so low to me but I tried to remain hopeful. After my second HCG draw, we found that my numbers had tripled in 48 hours. Relief started to sink in...that is until the spotting started. I tried to stay calm, as I bled for 16 weeks with my son and all turned out well.