I'm not sure how to end this, my story isn't over...

October 11, 2015

I've never shared my story because of the guilt, shame and so much more that I feel. In 1997, I was diagnosed with PCOS - to my surprise, March 2001, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. In 2008, I again gave birth to another baby boy, this time there were complications (thankfully, he is healthy and happy)....After the birth of my son in 2008, I suffered with severe PPD, PPA and PPOCD. After that experience, both my husband and I decided that we were done, we were not going to have anymore children. I didn't want to experience another traumatic birth or aftermath like that again. And then, February 2012, I had routine lab work done and found out we were expecting!!!

 

In that moment, after the shock, I realized how much I had wanted a 3rd child. I went in the following week for my first appointment. I was 10wks along and my doctor said she should be able to get the heartbeat on the doppler - she wasn't able to and sent me in for an ultrasound. I was alone, half naked covered with a paper sheet when the baby showed up on the monitor and the tech said, "I'm sorry, let me call the doctor while you get cleaned up and dressed." Then following day, I went in for a D & C and then I was hospitalized for 22 days after.

 

We didn't try, the pain was and still is unbearable. I don't verbalize or voice what happened. I think the baby was a boy, not sure why I have that feeling, I just do - we named him Cody Ryan-Price. I never allowed myself to grieve for my child - I still haven't. I have horrible time when the anniversary of the D & C comes and when his due date approaches, but I hold it all in.

 

Fast forward to June 2014, out of no real reason, I took a home test, I wasn't "late" yet and I didn't have any signs or symptoms of pregnancy, so I don't know why I took the test....I peed in a cup and put the test stick in the cup for the 5sec or so that the directions said, much to my shock and surprise, it read POSITIVE!!! Yay, we were pregnant again, I was going to have one last chance to "redeem" myself!

 

I refused to have the fist visit with the doctor and nurse until I knew my HCG levels were increasing. For a month, I went in every week for lab work, I didn't care that my insurance wouldn't cover the cost, I needed to make sure the levels were increasing! Finally, after a month of increasing levels, I went in for an ultrasound. This time, my husband was with me and he held my hand. I covered my eyes, too terrified to see the screen, flashbacks overwhelmed me and I could barley breathe through my anxiety. And then, my husband gave me hand a little squeeze and the tech said for me to look at the monitor - and I did!!!

 

There was this perfect little developing baby who's heart was beautifully beating! Because I wasn't very far along, the heartrate seemed very low to me, it was beating 122bpm. The tech was positive about this while I still wavered and didn't trust. I could only continue to pray and pray and repeat to myself that my baby is in God's hands and He has a plan. I have an aunt that I am extremely close with and she would pray with me every time we spoke on the phone, she would talk with me via text or FB and encourage me to continue praying and trusting God (and I still do), she was my strength.

 

My husband nicknamed the baby "peanut" and our two children were so in love with us adding a baby brother or sister to our little family. We were already in love with this sweet baby. Moving onto August, I had my appointment with nurse and I refused the congratulations swag bag that is given at that appointment - I remember all too well the devastation and shame of carrying that bag only to have to leave it behind. Before I saw the doctorr, the nurse had me go for an ultrasound because of the anxiety I had over the heartrate a few weeks prior. So, again, I am half naked, on a cold table alone with the tech....and my eyes are closed so tight, too terrified to see the monitor, I am unable to breathe.

 

And then, the most beautiful sound was heard in the quiet of that room - it was my baby's heartbeat and it was oh so strong, going at 180bpm! And I looked at the screen and my sweet baby was moving around and waving that tiny little hand, it was precious. Then, it was time for me to see my doctor. I was on cloud 9! I got to see my sweet baby's heart beating perfectly, I got to hear the strength and I got to see "peanut" moving about and waving, talk about being blessed! How could I be on any other cloud in that moment? The "high" lasted all to quickly and I was hit with news that felt like a punch in the gut! How the heck could I be 1 in 4 again? I was just the 1 in 4 two years prior, why again? Yes, my baby's heart was beating, yes, it was strong and yes, my baby was moving, but my baby was going to die.

 

My doctorr walked in and I sat on the cold table (ugh, that damn table!!! Why don't they heat them before you are sitting half naked on them?) and she wasn't smiling, I asked what was wrong and she said we would talk about it after the exam, and I remember saying, "But there's a heartbeat, I saw it, I heard it, the baby is moving." We get through the exam and she shares with me her concern - my baby had Anencephaly. I asked if I would have to have another D & C and she said no, I would need to choose to have an abortion! Wait! What? My child is alive, there's a strong heartbeat, my doctor is wrong! NO way am I going to kill my child! I heard the heartbeat!

 

So, I said, "NO, that is NOT an option, I will carry this baby for however long God blesses me to. I am in God's hands, my baby is in God's hands and I am letting Him decide how long we carry this baby" They set up an appointment at the Internal Fetal Medicine the following week. It was on the first day of school for my children, so I didn't stress about childcare, I had a plan in place for them both. My husband was with me and once again, I was laying half naked on a cold table, my husband holding my hand tight as can be. The tech comes in and does the measurements and such and then she went to check the heartbeat and the line was grey....my sweet baby was called home.

 

She went to get the genetic specialist and another person that I can no longer remember why she was there other than to answer questions that I couldn't form. Once again, I became 1 in 4, once again, I would be saying goodbye to my sweet baby, once again, I was reminded just how much I really do want another child. I was sent to my doctor to decide what form of action my husband and I would take. He opted for the D & C, I wanted to let my body to pass the baby on it's own, so that I would feel the physical pain. I only wanted to feel physical pain, the emotional pain is pure hell and I don't want to feel it - I didn't then and I still don't want to now!

 

Again, I found myself begging for one more ultrasound just to be "sure" my baby died. I really just wanted to see my sweet baby girl one more time before she would be ripped from my body.We named her Emma Sue. As I am typing this, I keep thinking how messed up this all is and am reminding myself that this is God's plan for me (though I wish I knew why). We lost Cody February 14, 2012, Emma's due date was March 6, 2014. We lost Emma August 20, 2014, and Cody's due date was September 8, 2012, for some reason, I find this interesting though I am unsure why.

 

This is the most I have ever spoken about either of them. Cody, I don't have one ultrasound picture, Emma, I have many. Cody, I don't have a remembrance pieces for, Emma, I have pictures, cards, a tiny hat and a few other items. When we have storms pass through, my two earth children will run to the window, look up to the sky and say, "Hi Cody and Emma, we love you, too" they are no longer fearful of thunder storms. My youngest while we go out walking will ask if "How cool would it be if we could and visit Heaven so we could see our babies!" My youngest earth angel is 6yrs old. He asks after his baby brother and sister often and there are so many times I have no idea what to say in response because he takes my breath away.

 

There are more days than not, that I want to die so I can be with my angel babies, and every day I have to fight to stay here on earth. I still talk with God and work on my relationship with Him. I wish I had someone "human" to talk to about this, that won't give me that, well you have children here, be grateful you have them, well at least you didn't give birth and you only miscarried - like there's a difference? Maybe there is, but in my eyes, I don't see one.

 

My husband has decided we will not try for one more child, he's terrified I will miscarry again and he said he can't put me through that again, I understand his reasoning, but that hasn't changed my desire for one more child. My insurance company will pay the full bill for a live birth, however, they send you a wicked fat bill if you miscarry and on the paperwork, they use the term "missed abortion" it makes me want to scream and punch something super hard, I didn't have an abortion either time, an abortion is something a woman chooses to have, I did NOT choose for either of my angel babies to die, that was a choice made for me, it is a choice no matter what, I would NEVER make.

 

I'm not sure how to end this, my story isn't over, maybe writing this is the first step for me to find my voice so that I can talk openly and freely about my angels without the judgement. Then again, I have NO clue if this is what you were asking about, You can delete this whole thing and not use it. Thank you for giving me this space to write. If you have any questions, I will answer them.

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