We were living our dream...

I’m 36, with three beautiful kids- 10, 8 and 3. My husband and I have always wanted 4 children and have never had any trouble getting pregnant, until recently. I always thought my final dream of a fourth baby would come true. When my littlest love was just 13 months old, we found out we were expecting again. We were happy, this was it, no worries. I had never even thought of miscarriages happening to me. The very next week, at 6 weeks pregnant, I lost that baby. I was sad. I felt strange, unsure, but I got over it...or so I thought. Spring ahead 5 months and I was pregnant again. Happy, happy, no way could this one end like that last-no way. I was thrilled as the weeks passed. No problems, no spotting. Week 5 came and went, all good… week 7, all good… by week 10, I was feeling like I had the world in my hands. We told everyone we were pregnant, our three kids included. We were living our dream. Week 12, so exciting, ultrasound time came and I was over the moon... I remember that day like it was yesterday. I can play those feelings over and over today as if they were happening to me right this second.

My husband and I drove to our ultrasound giddy with love and excitement. It was also Valentines day and we were going to celebrate after by going out for dinner and shopping for the baby. I remember lying on that ultrasound table waiting, waiting, and waiting to see that little blip on the screen. My stomach was fluttering and I was smiling. A few seconds after she started the test, my smile faded. I was numb. I knew that something was wrong. All there was on that screen was a dark spot and that’s exactly what I felt-dark. Numb. The technician was not very kind. She was ignoring the tears streaming down my face and she simply said she'd get the doctor. I was shaking now. I didn’t really know what the hell was going on but I knew that my dream was lost once again. The doctor came in and started talking about a blighted ovum. I only heard bits and pieces. I left that room with instructions that I needed to see a surgeon downstairs to set up a D&C. Numb. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was blind with tears, numb to the core.

I remember being angry with myself, thinking what the f**k did I do to deserve this? How could I have prevented this? What was wrong with me now? I never had any trouble getting pregnant, yet after all these years and three beautiful babies, I’m having trouble staying pregnant. This was heartbreaking, overwhelming, destroying. And just a few months ago, another clear egg. I feel lost, defeated, yet again. Trying like hell to accept that my baby days are over....