...to the moon, to the stars and back.

October 15, 2015

Me and my husband were so excited to finally be adding our third child to complete our family, we had just told our family and everyone was so excited. Two weeks prior at 15 weeks gestation my mother took us to get a 4d ultrasound my how amazing is was, we found out she was a little girl we counted all her fingers and all her toes and watched her move around and wave it was absolutely beautiful.

 

Devastation started to hit a week later and we had no clue, I had small amounts of blood and so I went to the er and they kept telling me everything was okay. I went twice over the weekend because it was a holiday weekend and my obgyn wasn't open, they just kept telling me to go home and everything was okay. I knew it wasn't.

 

That Tuesday night around 11 is when labor started I kept trying to convince myself it wasn't happening even though deep down I knew. By 12:30 am my husband was calling the ambulance he couldn't go with me because our two other children were sleeping and there was no one to watch them. Off they took me to sit in the waiting room of the er for 3 hours, no one talked to me or even acknowledged that I was in so much pain even though I made it blatantly obvious. At one point I just laid on the bathroom floor for 30 minutes and cried because I could barely knew.

 

By the time I got up and back to the waiting room I was finally called back, told I was miscarrying and it's my fault because I didn't go see my obgyn. No one checked me or baby looked for a heartbeat nothing, they then told me they were going to send me home. They have me extra doses of morphine and Zofran and told me to call my ride. It took her almost 30 minutes to get there, right before she walked in was when the nightmare began. Blood started gushing and no one would come when I called for help when she got there she was appalled, she immediately got someones attention and had them clean me up.

 

The baby hadn't passed but I was just laying in a pool of blood and clots. After that they gave me my discharge papers and said go home. I was still bleeding profusely and couldn't walk because of the medications but they didn't care. My friend practically carried me to her truck and drove me home in silence she didn't know what to say. And that's okay, her being there meant the world to me. As walking up the stairs is when I gave birth to my daughter, right there in my pants I didn't know what to do, did I sit down and get blood all over the stairs or try to at least make it to the bathroom where it was tile. I made it to the bathroom and gently took my clothes off where I found my beautiful daughter just laying there, she was so perfect, tiny but everything was formed so perfectly it was beautiful.

 

I then yelled for my husband he didn't know I was home yet. He came down and gently helped us upstairs. He started a shower for us and let us just lay there for hours. I then crawled into bed with him and my daughter after we were cleaned up. I didn't know what to do with her and that's when I decided to just sleep. I awoke a few hours later to deal with everything that had just happened. I was able to get in contact with the most amazing foundation, Jalen's gift foundation and they helped me with the cremation and laying my daughter to rest. Without them I don't know what I would have done, they were true lifesavers. The next few weeks are a blur of pain and agony I just laid in bed and didn't talk much.

 

I posted some things to social media and some people were very negative and told me terrible things including telling me I was a terrible mother and it was all my fault. Time has started to heal my wounds and now I am starting to have more good days than bad days I will never heal completely. I love my daughter and will always miss her, but now I try to live for her and try to make her proud. I love you Audrey Kate, to the moon to the stars and back.

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