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I was scared, worried, confused but I WANTED that baby.

I have had two miscarriages, both early first trimester. In 2012 my first pregnancy was lost before I even knew I was pregnant. It hurt me but I didn't know what being a mom was and we (my husband and I) weren't really trying so it was a manageable loss. Manageable as in I cried for my baby but it didnt cripple me emotionally. September 2013 I successfully had my baby girl! She has opened my eyes to the wonderful world of motherhood and love. I knew as soon as I had her the excruciating amount of pain I would be in if something happened to her or any of my future babies. I had post partum heart failure after the birth of my baby that I never had a chance to have resolved so we weren't technically supposed to get pregnant for fear of death. So imagine my surprise when I was told in June that I was expecting while at the Emergency Room due to chest pain! My emotions were everywhere. I was scared, worried, confused but I WANTED that baby. I was prepared to go to the moon and back for this little miracle.

We miscarried July 8th, but knew about for weeks before it happened because of a constant drop in my hormone levels. Just like every other mother, at that time I was devastated. Fury is a word to describe it. "Why did I even have to find out I was pregnant if I was just going to miscarry!" Is a phrase that ran through my mind many times . . . until my first cardiologist appointment. Finding out that I was pregnant gave me the opportunity to go get my heart checked out finally and to resolve what I couldn't after the birth of my baby girl. Since I had miscarried they were able to do more test on me thoroughly to make sure in every way possible I was healthy. The doctor even said it was safe enough for us to try again for another baby, whereas before we thought it was an instant death certificate.

I know most mothers who have lost HATE hearing the phrase "It was Gods plan to be that way" or anything along those line, but it truly was. I was willing to lay down my life to have our miracle, who we named Kylie, but instead our Miracle gave me life in a sense. We didnt know the gender but we personify our lost baby as a girl also. The loss of Kylie was the most painful blessing I have ever received and because of that loss we can safely have more siblings for her and our beautiful living Child Helena. I know this is probably a different perspective then most mothers but I thought you might like to hear another viewpoint on miscarriage. And please don't take it as I didn't want Kylie, more than anything I wanted that baby. When I think of her my heart aches but I also smile knowing because of her more babies Will be born.

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